Fare well

This will be my last post.

I will leave the blog as a testimony to the love I bear for my God-Children, who I now fear I will never see again.

This is a radical departure from everything I have written before, and it is not my intent to libel anyone–it’s just what happened.

I haven’t heard a word from my old home since the day after the election ended. I called a couple of times before then, and got one call about money that I didn’t owe, and it was radio silence from then on out. The occasional facebook post, but basically, our households were ships in the night.

Then something wonderful and terrifying happened–Uji asked me to marry him. Of course, I said yes, ecstatically so, and between the holidays coming up, having studied for and taking the GRE in the last week, I’ve called only my parents, my maid of honor, and one grandmother to share the news. We posted on Facebook about it, and the two of us have been avidly ignoring it for the past two days, thanks to the GRE and our house-warming, which was essentially our parents, one grandparent apiece, my two aunts, his uncle, and my first mentor. Nobody else found out in person. Uji tells me that he had invited Kali and her family–we didn’t get an RSVP. It was the same story at Halloween.

Tonight I finally checked Facebook and found a horrific rant from Kali’s mother, no longer Mommy Two. Just Kali’s mom. She accused me of lying. Forgetting. Dumping on little kids. I gave the short list of things I’ve done over the years for my surrogate family (starving, stealing, dropping out of school, risking my life) and said goodbye. I have never in my life felt so betrayed.

None of this compares, however, to the terror and pain I have at the possibility of losing contact with my God-Children. I have three books that are sitting still-unwrapped on my desk that Uji and I bought together before things went crazy–Christmas presents for each of them. They’re innocent in all of this, and I’m too afraid to even try to explain the truth–would I demonize myself or their grandmother more? I don’t know Kali’s side of this, only that she is loyal to her mother the way a good daughter should be. If this mess didn’t originate with Kali, then I understand she will have to stand behind her mother and will respect her wish to do so. If it did originate with her, then I have been betrayed in a way that will never heal.

I will continue to write, though; just not here. And not about the family that once was mine. I can’t bear the pain.

You can comment, but I won’t look; this will be the last time I lay eyes on this page, and it’s almost as much of a wrench letting go of something that got me through the darkest days of my life. I owe an apology to all of my old classmates who still read this, as well as to my excellent professor, who encouraged me to make this the gem that it was.

It will not be my last work.

In spite of what I have lost, I still have a very good family that I can always lay claim to, and I am marrying into a very good family as well. I am doubly blessed, in spite of what I have lost. I can only hope that Dozer, Demonic, and the Squidge will grow up happy, healthy, and will lead lives that they can be proud of. I will always be proud that I knew them, and I will never forget them, no matter how the rift may widen.

Lastly, I am sorry to leave you, dear reader, on a sad note. I hate sad endings, and the world doesn’t really need another one. I take solace in knowing that the termination of a liminal passage is the beginning of a new certainty, and that means nothing is ever really over. It just changes, like the face of a cliff in the rain.